Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
It's quality is different now. There is no hurry. No rush. The Earth is preparing to rest.
I find this softness comforting.
An hour or so later, I went for a walk.
And found the moon languishing in the western sky.
How pretty she looks, soft and feminine. Not clear and bright, or luminous and powerful. Just there, as if dancing in the treetops.
The Wheel is Turning.
November is a gentle month.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Autumn seems to be a time for grieving. Strong, warm Summer sunlight fades as a shadowy darkness takes over.
I spent most of the night crying. Tears soaked my pillowcase. Hubby lay beside me, breathing deeply. I placed my arm on his bony hip, cuddling him close to me, as I cried a river of tears.
I was remembering our first days together. Our first months. Our first years. As the old cliche goes "we were so much in love" (and still are to this day). It was pure bliss - heaven on Earth. I was bursting with happiness on a daily basis. I felt vastly rich. Truly loved and cherished. We played, we laughed, we travelled. Life was beautiful!
I wondered (as a kaleidoscope of the last 13 years danced through my head) will he die tonight? He had been sleeping on and off most of the day. As gentle love scenes played across my memory, flowers, moon-lit nights, birthdays, beaches, dazzling sunsets, caring and sharing - will tonight be the night?
I've asked that same question time and again over the seven and a half years he's been on oxygen. Will I find his body cold beside me in the morning; his spirit flown? Will I come home to find him on the floor? Gone - while I was out somewhere I didn't need to be?
The night before my mother died, the same swirling of thoughts and memories flashed through my mind - just like this night. I remember being a small child. Mom teaching me how to tie my shoe, wash my hands, say thank-you to someone. Mom tucking me into bed with a goodnight kiss. Mom standing at the door, waving good-by as I eagerly rushed out on my way to some adventure or other. Scenes from my teens, my graduation, my wedding, the birth of my children played in my head the night before she died. I did not know she was dying.
Very early the next morning, I got The Call. I knew in the depth of my soul that she had been sending me messages as her spirit chose to leave this Earth. They were not dreams, for I was wide awake. They were energy thought-forms. My sisters also received messages that night.
Was this to be the same happening? The very same scenario?
The next morning, Hubby awoke, looking better than he had in a long time. Relief washed over me like a wave. It's not his time yet. So why was I grieving? I don't know. Perhaps I had a slushy mound of grief stored up that needed release. All summer, I'd been riding a wave of joy, as I usually do. Sunshine and flowers; my hands in the Earth. I ignored sad. I pushed aside grief. I've been grieving for 7 and a half years - ever since his diagnosis. We need to treasure our time together. Not grieve the future.
I know, I know, but when I watch his daily struggles; constant unrelenting fatigue, frequent rest stops while slowly making his way across the room, eroded memory, emaciated body, oxygen tubing snaking across the floor; and the worst of the worst, even while resting in a chair, is.. just.. trying.. to.. breathe... it's hard not to look in the face of Grief.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
(pic compliments of the net)
Last night, after supper, I decided to go for a short walk. Our weather had been rainy and cloudy for the past couple of days, so I didn't really expect to see the moon. Waxing gibbous is where She is right now. Full splendor on October 4th - actually tomorrow!
Coming around the circle, and up a short hill (o.k. upward slope in the road), I looked up and saw a hazy, cloudy sky. There was a little patch in between the clouds that looked as if it were lit from behind by Our Mother Moon.
How pretty, I thought to myself. I guess that's as good as I'm going to get this evening. Just a haze and a bit of gentle light illuminating the soggy clouds from behind.
Continuing to stretch my legs and breathe in the fresh air, I walked on. Acorns crunched underfoot. All was dark. Streetlights are far and few between, here in the country, but lights shone from some houses as I passed by. Some people leave only one lamp burning in the window, as if to welcome passers by. Others have lights shining in every room.
Squabbling voices pierced the night air, interrupting the soft silence. Hmmm, somebody must be having a party, I thought. Strange that the noise level would reach the street. Our properties are large and unless doors and windows are open, you can't really hear anything that goes on inside the houses.
Squabbling turned into squawking and instantly I understood. Geese! Of course! Canada geese flying South for the winter! Quickly I scanned the dark skies trying hard to figure out where they were. How could I possibly see any movement in a dark night sky? Well I tried anyway and saw nothing.
The Moon however, chose this time to show off. Clouds yielded; hung back for a bit allowing Mother Moon to shine. Not brightly or clearly, but with an ethereal glow.
Waiting and watching, I stood rooted to the spot.
"Come on, geese - where are you?" I called into the darkness.
Honk! honk! honk....growing fainter now.
Oh well, time to go. Turning away, I started back home. On an impulse, I took one last look over my shoulder. And then I saw them! Two or three at first, flying one behind the other, silhouetted against the light of the almost-full Moon.
And then there were zillions! Wings flapping, long necks reaching as if to plant a goosey kiss on Mother Moon before flying away on their journey. I was in awe! Never have I seen geese flying over the moon before. Thought it was the stuff of story-books.
As the honking grew softer and more distant, I silently wished them farewell.
Have a good trip and enjoy the warm sunny Winter. See you in the Spring.
Had I not given in to that little tug at my shoulder nudging me to turn back at just the right time, I would have missed this magical moment.
I wonder what message the Universe is sending me?
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Looking around with her appraising eye, she notices with satisfaction the leaves that were once a nourishing green, are slowly changing to deep russet, vivid orange, and perfect red.
"Those adjectives are so worn out."
"That's a stretch!", retorted the naughty chipmunk.
With a sigh of gentle patience, Queen Maeve turned her attention back to her immediate duties. Licking her finger in the time honoured, old fashioned way, She next tested the Air.
"Hmmm, cool and a little crispy, as it should be, but warmed with just the right amount of Sun - Perfect!"
Looking around, She noted with satisfaction that Lily of the Valley had transformed right on schedule. From Maidenly, delicate, white bells in the early Spring, to robust red berries of Autumn.
Rose also was showing her hips - red and luscious and inviting...
Queen Mabon looked around and smiled. Everything was as it should be. Animals scurried about, preparing for the cold winter months ahead. In the gardens, chives, lavender, basil, marigolds, pansies (among others) were busily sowing their seeds for next spring's crop of herbs and flowers.
She turned her face upwards, to scan the sky; looking for that last sign that the Wheel of the Year was indeed turning - that it hadn't gotten stuck in the mud, or broken a spoke along the way.
And then she heard them. Softly at first, but unmistakable.... the honking
of Canada geese, flying South to warmer lands; their distinctive V-formation marking their journey through the Sky.
She sighed and let down her hair - all was in order...for now..... and yet her Work had only just begun, for Samhain was already tugging impatiently at her skirts...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
It's Mabon. First day of Autumn.
So for now we Dance on the edges.
Monday, September 7, 2009
It's good to remember
The Full Moon in September
How did we get here?
Where are we going?
Who will we meet on our pathway?
I feel secluded
I wish to flee
I am safe, yet restless.
I am free, yet bound.
I feel trapped in a forest
And yet can step out whenever I please
But I always come back...
There is something yet to learn....
The Time is not right yet.
Love surrounds me like a cape.
But wait - True Love does not choke. True Love lets go.
Love and Let go. Love and Let go - the hardest lesson on the planet (at least I think so).
Who is holding on to Who?
Somebody said this is the last Full Moon of summer. I hadn't thought of that.
But summer is coming to a close.
Soon it will be Fall, as the Wheel Turns once again.
Nights are chillier; early morning cool as I step onto my deck, looking for Father Sun to say good morning. I shiver, put on a sweater, sip my morning coffee. Early morning is my favourite time of the day and I like it to be warm. But at least, I can still go out. It's not too cold yet to walk among my flowers, listen to birds calling back and forth, watch chipmunks scurrying to and fro in search of food.
In another month it will be too cold. But for now I will enjoy the chilly early morning air, the clear sun peeking at me through the leaves of my oak trees, as I quickly stretch and honour the Four Directions.
Gentle is how I see this September Moon. I am feeling gentleness.
And learning to be gentle with myself.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Last night before going to bed, I looked out to see if I could see Mother Moon. She shone through the clouds Strong and Clear.
I don't remember seeing her so Clear before.
Bright and shiny -yes.
I tend to think of Clear and Bright as cold. Like the clear, bright Stars you see when you look up into the darkness on a cold, crisp winter's night.
Strange....I went to bed and did not give Her another thought. After all, Her fullness was not due until tonight, Thursday.
Out for my morning walk, earlier on, I was mulling though something that happened the day before. The Clear Moon day. I had taken some pics of my grandchildren. There were about 10 of my granddaughter playing in the park and only 1 of my grandson. He had been with his mother (my daughter) while we were at the park, so little Nathan was left out of the pics.
Standing at the front door saying goodby, little Nathan (safe within his mother's arms) gurgled and laughed as only 6 month old babies do. Instantly I whipped out my camera. I had to take this pic.
At home, I uploaded (or down, I can never figure out which) the pics. The one of little Nathan was good, except that there were too many distractions in the pic, taking away from his dear little face. At first I was disappointed.
Hmmm, maybe it's time I learned how to "edit" my pics. The edit feature that comes with Windows is extremely frustrating (at least to me). I don't want to "draw" on my pic. I don't want to "erase" the background. I've tried that and it looks horrible. I just want to crop the baby's face and bring in into focus. The rest of the background can be "out of focus" or soft and blurry.
After a bit of searching, I did find an edit programme. I think it might have been photobucket. And even with that programme, the cropping took me a long time. Either I don't have the proper technique (it kept slipping away from me), or it's just difficult to do (which it should not be).
So, as I was walking, mulling this through, it struck me that my failures are really stepping stones. I've always cringed at the thought of failing. I think most of us were brought up that way. Failing was something embarrassing. Something to cry over. Failed exams, failed casseroles, failed businesses, failed relationships.
But now with the gift of Clarity from Mother Moon last night, I see failures in a different light; as a place to begin. A launch pad. The first step on a path. Instead of meeting Failure with Frustration, I will now look at Failure and ask "o.k., what's the next step?"
I have never been as interested in photography as I have in writing. That old "fear" of not being as good as the professionals. That old, nagging voice saying "you're not artistic, you can't do that", has kept me back. Or the other limiting thought pattern "you have to choose: writing or taking pics, you can't do both."
But now I'm finding out just how much fun creating and editing photos can be. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to measure up to somebody else's standards. I can do it for the sheer joy it brings me.
So thank you August Mother Moon for helping another piece of my Creative Self to sneak out. And for the Clarity to see "failure" for what it is - not an ending, not something to be feared, but a Light, a glow, pointing the way to success or at the very least, change.
Friday, July 24, 2009
who live in their own secret world, far away from prying eyes.
Of Humans, who would want to capture them.
And put them in cages.
And study them.
Under the leaves, in the shadows, the faerie spirits dwell.
They are the ones who make magic.
They are the ones who weave the spells,
to make Our gardens grow.
They are the ones who bring magical and medicinal properties to herbs,
for healing, for changing, for growing.
Welcome them into your garden.
You won't be sorry.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I did not unearth my crystals. I did not light a candle. But I did see Mother Moon! And I did drink a glass of red wine.
It rained off and on all day. A thunderstorm at suppertime. Never did I think the sky would clear up. But it did.
I opened the door, looked half-heartedly at the sky and saw........Stars! Stars? Hey, it's cleared up! So flip-flops flopping, I hurried down the wet driveway, hoping not to run into Mr. Groundhog, or Mrs. Raccoon. Did not even think of Ms. Skunk. I would not look forward to stepping on Ms. Skunk in the dark.
Slap, slap, slap, echoed my flip-flops in the dark night. Crickets chirped, and insects droned (funny how much louder they sound in the dark). Passed by the ghostly shapes of heavy machinery at the end of my street, left over from the day's construction workers.
An innocuous line of mail-boxes hovering in the shadows, looked like a crouching creature waiting to spring.
A bat flew overhead. Oh good! First bat of the season. I like bats; they eat insects. It's been too cold here this summer for night walks - so I haven't seen any bats. Or fireflies for that matter.
Strange how cold the night air was last night. No matter. Excitedly I scanned the tree tops for a sign of Mother Moon. What laughed back at me were clouds. Clouds? Where did they come from? Why is the sky so clear overhead and yet cloudy on the horizon, just where the moon is supposed to come up??
Tough toenails! (bet you haven't heard that expression in a long time). I'm just gonna stand here until Mother Moon shows herself.
I waited some more.
Still nothing but pesky clouds, clouding my vision.
Where or where was that darn moon, anyway?
Hmmmm, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I have the time wrong.
Turning back, I started for home.
All of a sudden I heard a car's tires crunching in the gravel behind me. Since it was pitch black, I jumped to the side of the road to avoid being hit. In doing so, I glanced back up at the sky to see.......the shining face of Mother Moon - regally ascending her throne in the sky! The clouds had parted to make way for her shining face.
Drawing down her silvery light; her powerful energy, I asked of her to grant us world peace. This is my wish - all the time. World peace - if we could ever attain that!
Yes, I stood there in the middle of the silent, dark road; hands in the Air, hoping nobody was looking out their windows, and at the same time, not really caring.
Monday, July 6, 2009
The energies surrounding this full moon are ones of success, happiness, and fulfilment. We are blessed with the first harvest of the season - a reward for all our hard work.
The Moon at this time brings us feelings of being connected. Connection to Spirit encourages us to first recognize blessings in our own lives, and then pay them forward - thus continuing the cycle of positive energy.
Rain is expected once again tomorrow, so I will not be able to get a good clear picture of Mother Moon. Last night I saw her briefly through the clouds. Stepped out my back door, walked down the driveway to the street in an attempt to catch Her. I wanted to see her in all her almost- full glory! But she remained elusive. Hidden.
Thinking She was hiding in the trees, I trespassed on somebody's property to see if I could find Her. Doesn't sound like much of an offence, except that I'd called Security Patrol on these neighbours one afternoon last month because they were lighting an open fire in their backyard. I was worried the wind would carry the flames and spread the fire.
As you can imagine, I did not want to be seen traipsing through the wet grass of their lawns!
All that to say, Mother Moon has been elusive this cycle. I have not felt Her power, Her magic as I normally do during these summer months.
However, a Full Moon Ritual is planned with my group of Earth Healers. For my part, I doubt that She will be visible to me, so I will see what it feels like to simply sense Her presence. I will absorb her hidden energy tomorrow night, and Listen.....
Beforehand, I will unearth my crystals and choose a few (those that feel appropriate) to use in a ritual. Lighting a candle or two always feels right. At the end, I will raise a glass of red wine to toast Her, and Listen....
Friday, June 19, 2009
Solstice is an auspicious time to do some healing of our planet. If you can spare some time this weekend, sit with Mother Earth and send some healing.
You can read more about this here: Healing Mother Earth
Friday, June 5, 2009
Animals and birds are nesting. Bringing forth new life.
So are flowers, trees, shrubs, grass.
There's magic in creation.
We put away our cold and shivering winter selves. Our shrinking, contracting into ourselves; pulling clothes tighter, shutting windows and doors tight.
And bring to light our shimmering, warm, happy selves. We jump and dance, fling open doors and windows, picnic in the meadows, call to friends and drink iced tea in the backyard. Spend long lazy days in the garden.
And when night falls, the call of an owl reminds us to listen to our dreams.
The swish of a bat's wings, that time passes quickly.
Jasmine and moonflower perfume the soft darkness, as fireflies light the way.
Crickets singing in the dark, remind us that night too will fade and Sun will rise once again to begin another cycle of joy.
There is peace in my Soul.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
They emerge from the lilac blossoms as tiny as tiny can be.
And gently sip lilac nectar from lavender coloured blooms.
But only for a few days. Just when the time is right. Or birds (especially hummingbirds) will sip all the magic nectar and the Lilac Faerie will not grow. She will not bloom, but fade away, until next year.
The bees understand. They are her best friends, for if she becomes sleepy and forgets to drink, their gentle humming will awaken her.
Teeny, tiny green inchworms, slide over to watch. They encourage the lilac blooms to open wide, so Lilac Faerie can reach up to drink.
She grows and she grows.
And when her wings emerge and become glossy, she flies away.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Whisper in the Wind.
Centered in your being. Balanced in body, mind and soul.
Peace and Harmony. Breathe in Chi. Breathe out clouds. Let the Sacred Breath carry Chi - your life force - throughout your body.
Sway with the wind. Glide with the birds. Slowly reach for the Stars. Let the soles of your feet feel centered and safe, rooted to Mother Earth.
Wind Rolling the Lotus Leaves, gently ruffling my hair as I yield to its softness. I am standing under a Plum Tree practicing Tai Chi when a Tiger jumps out to Embrace me. Centered in my being I gently smile and watch as he Returns to his Mountain.
As the Wind Sweeps the Plum Blossoms all over my head, I can't help but breathe in their sweet fragrance. Sacred breath, calm relaxing, peaceful. I breathe in sacred Chi. Chi, life force to nourish my being. In the distance I glimpse a magnificent White Crane Spreading its Wings in preparation for flight. A feeling of joy spreads throughout my body, watching this display of total freedom and joie-de-vivre.
A curious monkey pokes its head through the tree branches to stare at me upside down. Rooted in the soft Earth, balanced in body, mind and spirit, I gently and slowly Repulse this cheeky little Monkey.
The sun is setting signalling the end of a perfect day. Birds fly into the Forest on their way home. Hearing a throaty roar, I swiftly turn around in fright, only to find a friendly Lion Shaking Its Head. He too is preparing to go back to his lair for the night.
Before I start my trek back home, I give thanks to the Tree that offered me shade, the Earth for supporting me, the Air so I may breathe, the Sun for its warmth and love and the River lazily snaking its way through the Magic Forest.
That night asleep under the Stars, I dream of Wild Horses Leaping the Ravine in fear, as Snakes Creep Down to Stick out their Tongues. A large White Tiger Hugged his Head with Laughter - nervous horses afraid of snakes! How silly - don't they know you can't outrun Eternal Change?
I wrote this about 10 years ago when I first began studying Tai Chi. I was drawn to the energetic component of the Tai Chi form. Not a dance, nor an exercise, Tai Chi is like a meditation in motion.
Creating a story from the moves, helped me to incorporate the philosophy of this ancient practice into my energy field.
Snake Creeps Down, Repulse Monkey, Lion Shakes Its Head, Wild Horse Leaps the Ravine, are just some of many, many Tai Chi moves. I have capitalized the names within my story for those unfamiliar with Tai Chi.
Friday, May 8, 2009
What a different perspective this is.
Usually, you see the palm tree in its entirety. Strong and full, its fronds waving majestically in the ocean air. A symbol if the tropics. Vacation time. A lazy time of life. Warmth. Courage. Sustenance (for those who are shipwrecked and can climb up to pick coconuts).
Through the leaves of this magnificent and versatile tree, a hot tropical sun shines through. Warming. Caressing.
I've come back from my vacation with a different perspective on Life. I needed the break. I needed to re-set my inner vision. From sad, stressed and depressed to happy, joyful, full-of-good-energy.
Looking up to the sun. Up through the leaves (green leaves are a symbol of life and hope). A much better place to be.
My soul is soothed.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
This blog is my inner self. My inner feelings, spirituality, faeries and anything magical. In this blog I am wide open. No filters. No ads.
Just me... expressing myself.
For some weird reason, when I first started blogging, I thought everybody was judging me. Should I blog about this? Is it too different? not politically correct? too magical or pagan? I did not feel I could let loose and be myself. I was afraid to disappoint my readers. (how's that for ego?)
My third to last post on Caregiving is not for wimps (April 20) is called "A Fine Line". My last post on this blog is called "Out on a Limb". Essentially I am saying the same thing. Expressing myself from the point of view of where I am in this Journey.
I did not think these two would converge. But they have. So where do I go from here? Is this progress? My inner and outer selves coverging? Or will I recede into quite isolation and sort out my inner feelings before going on.
I am taking a much needed vacation to Florida. I leave Tuesday, April 28th. I am so excited! I'll be at the ocean, feeling the sun on my face and the sand between my toes. I won't be blogging or emailing until I get back. Back on May 4th.
We will see what happens when I get back. In the meantime, thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey. Your thoughtful words and kindness have been extremely valuable in my evolution. I am grateful to all who have travelled this fun, sometimes sad, but totally unpredictable road with me.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I had crawled out on a limb and very nearly fell off into nothingness.
And then I realized that I have been giving away little pieces of my own life.
Currents eddied around me.
And then the lightbulb went off. Some trigger in my brain. Or maybe a Guardian Angel took my hand.
I will take back my life. Not give it up to somebody else.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
so very long ago. Has touched my life in countless ways. The little seed planted by loving parents, took, (those 66 years ago) and blossomed into an incredible human being.
A loving, patient, gentle healer is what he became. A life fully lived. A life fully loved.
But he is at the end of his journey. And this blog is not about my hubby. It's about my inner world.
Ah, but how he influenced my inner world. His supportive and loving energy allowed me to grow; to feel proud of myself; to become a cherished grandmother.
Go gently my love. I know I have held on to you too tightly. I can feel your fatigue. Your tug-of-war inside your spirit. I need to learn to release you. It is so very difficult; it is next to impossible.... but I must.
Your energy has filled me with a caring I did not know existed. Never before has anyone lifted me up to those incredible heights.
Love never dies.
Your energy will live on.
And this is the anniversary of your Birth. So we will celebrate your Birth Energy today; not your waning body energy. Your sacred breath, not your difficult, shallow breathing of ebbing lungs.
This time on Earth will pass and once again, you will Breathe freely and easily.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Spring is here, the energy has changed. Storm clouds hover in the air, reminding us to take shelter.
Lightening, quick as a wink, crackles as it magically splinters the sky.
Deep dark rumbles can be heard overhead, as the Heavens complain about something.......
And after the storm, a refreshing rain gently cleanses Mother Earth.....
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A time for growth and new planting.
March winds howl and blow seeds around.
There are buds on trees, flowers poking up from the earth.
A time of renewal and rebirth.
In some cutures, the tides of the full moon in March are the best time for catching fish.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A pocket full of sunshine
A barrel full of rain
We'll spin it round and round
And mix it up again.
A sprinkling of bees knees
A dandelion's fluff
Around around around again
Isn't it enough?
A shell full of tadpoles
A spoon full of flies
We'll mix it up some more until
The smoke gets in your eyes
Is the fire hot enough
To make our magic spell?
Go look inside the magic pot
But mind the dreadful smell
Birds feathers, worms eyes,
A clothespin on the line
Our cauldron is still bubbling
Our brew is mighty fine
With caterpiller's bright orange coat
And bumble bees sweet nectar
I think by now we're almost done
Please don't forget to check her
Why Goddess Cloud. She must be gray.
And really full of water.
To make spring showers tumble down
Before the sun gets hotter.
Are we done?
Asks Father Sun
It's time to send the spell
Away up high into the sky
Where springtime spirits dwell.
Just one more thing
To make this sing
Some faerie dust we'll bring
Well, hurry up
We're out of time
It's really almost Spring!
I don't have a clue where these words came from. I was out walking today in the bright sunshine. There were puddles everywhere and birds singing happily. The first verse popped into my mind and the rest just followed as I sat here at the computer.
I have to admit I started to write this post last night, but got absolutely nowhere. Everything sounded awful. And you'd think by now I'd recognize this and just let go. Eventually, I did turn off the computer, read for a bit and went to bed.
It wasn't until this afternoon on my walk that the words just came to me.
Hope with this magic spell, we'll all have an early Spring.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I swim long and hard.
I get tired.
Sometimes I just want to rest.
But I can't.
I can't let go of Hubby.
So I continue to swim.
Sometimes I see an island and swim there.
We sit and rest for a while.
But the island always dissolves, just when I least expect it.
Just when I hope that "this time" the island will remain, strong and sturdy so we can stay.
There are times when I float on my back and swim leisurely, enjoying the warm salty water.
Other times the wind picks up and the waves crash over my head, scaring me.
There are times I see hungry sharks close by. But they always swim away.
And whirlpools which threaten to bring us down.
The sun comes up and I swim.
At night it's dark and I shiver.
But I can't let go.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I was shaped by school life.
Everybody had to look the same.
Everybody had to behave the same.
Colours were neutral.
No self expression allowed.
Just memorized answers.
Only "right" answers tolerated.
Our home was decorated in neutral colours. My father went to work every day. My mother stayed at home with us. We children went to school every day. And wore uniforms.
I was happy. But lived in a box. High school was far worse than primary school. At least there was room for colour and fantasy at primary school. At high school one was supposed to be serious.
Everybody looked the same.
Everybody behaved the same.
We wore white blouses and grey skirts and navy blue shoes.
I hated high school. But I behaved and graduated.
One thing that was impressed upon us children was being a shadow. Living as if we weren't really there. Staying neat and clean. Doing our work without complaint.
"Who does he think he is? Does he own the place?" an angry comment from my father for anybody making waves or calling attention to themselves.
So I learned to shrink. And fit into somebody else's mold. Somebody else's pattern of who I should be.
As I look around, I realize I am still trying to fit into the mold I think my husband wants me to live in. I have made some changes in our home. But there is still a lot that is not me.
I blame my husband. But it's not his fault. He actually encouraged the changes in our home that I made. Those changes that reflect who I truly am. The white wicker rocking chair in our bedroom. The dolphin wind-chime hanging in our T.V. room. The pictures around our home. My flowers. My woodworking attempt at making a grandfather clock (still in progress 6 years later).
True - he didn't want new appliances (what's wrong with the old ones?).
True - he didn't want to repaint the T.V. room.
True - we have older windows and badly need to replace or remove the wall-to-wall carpets in our home.
And our home has become somewhat of a hospital. The dining room is the examination room. The nurse came in this morning to draw Hubby's blood - in our dining room. The inhalation therapist who comes to listen to his chest and take his blood pressure carries out her duties in our dining room.
We have a bed in our T.V. room where Hubby takes his naps.
So what? We are lucky to have a home.
But it goes beyond the home. It goes right into my being. This fear of being myself. Of expressing myself. I drag my feet where others write e-zines, publish books, start a business, a webpage, sell on ebay or etsy. Why am I so afraid?
What if...........I stepped out of this "box" and changed myself.
What if...........I wasn't afraid to express myself on paper.
What if..........I took a chance.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Brighid is a Goddess of poetry, fire, smith-crafts, and healers. Imbolc is from the Gaelic "immolg", meaning "in milk", and refers to the time of year when the ewes and cattle are giving birth. They are "in milk" feeding their young.
This festival celebrates the return of spring and the start of the farming season. The first signs of new green plant growth appear as warmer and longer days wake the earth from her winter sleep.
Few flowers bloom at this time of year. The best known is the snow-drop. She often peeks through the snow in her journey towards the sun, bringing gladness and joy at renewed growth.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Falling from one world to the next.
Swirling my senses.
Changing the energy. Changing the Earth.
Changing the patterns of our space, our reality, our environment.
Does falling snow add moisture to the air?
Or thick density?
Do you perceive snow as light and fluffy and fun?
Or do you have trouble breathing in the soggy, harsh air?
Do you turn your face to the heavens, enjoying the soft flakes as they dance on the tip of your nose?
Creatures of the Earth tunnel through the soft heaviness; making trails in the pure whiteness.
Playing and frolicking and having fun.
Others shiver; hidden deep in their dens, their burrows. Only venturing out when necessary - for food.
Some poor animals lose their way, floundering in its vast whiteness; on and on through the bitter cold.
Until they stop.
Utterly drained of all energy
Lying still........having surrendered their
lifeforce to the cold.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
"Who are you?" asks the Goddess.
"I am your heart," replies the dove.
"My heart? "
"Well then little white dove, why are you here?"
"To take you home."
"It is time," White Dove coos softly.
"But I won't leave Akasha - I've been sitting here for hundreds of years, watching over him. I can't leave him now. What if somebody chops him down?"
"It is not your call; not your decision. Your time here is done.
"Come," whispers White Dove, fluttering its wings, "It is time."
Friday, January 23, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
'I'll just sit down here', he thought to himself,' but not for too long'.
He knew he still had things to do. His energy was flagging, as was his spirit. He wanted to sleep. Lethargy overcame him and he almost, almost gave in to it. 'Just a little longer', he thought to himself.
A warmth spread over his face. Was this the sun?
"Father Sun!" he cried out. "Why are you here at this time? It is dusk!"
The Old Man felt his face growing hotter, then his body. It was uncomfortable, but he could do nothing to take it away. The more he struggled the hotter he became.
"I am Spirit; why are you fighting me?" came a voice.
The Old Man turned his face to the heavens. And saw the Light.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
"Where do you go?"
"Where do you flow?"
"I am not here. I am just an illusion."
Someone is playing tricks on me. I will call my faithful dolphins and get to the bottom of this.
The Old Man climbs aboard his Dolphins and they take him to his cousin, Merlin.
"Merlin, my good fellow. Have you seen or heard from the Lady of the Water?"