Saturday, April 25, 2009

Point of Convergence

My outer self and inner self have converged. My other blog COPD Caregiving is NOT for Wimps! was my outer self. My Caregiving self. My love of nature; flowers especially. Grandkids and anything else I felt like blogging about.

This blog is my inner self. My inner feelings, spirituality, faeries and anything magical. In this blog I am wide open. No filters. No ads.

Just me... expressing myself.

For some weird reason, when I first started blogging, I thought everybody was judging me. Should I blog about this? Is it too different? not politically correct? too magical or pagan? I did not feel I could let loose and be myself. I was afraid to disappoint my readers. (how's that for ego?)

My third to last post on Caregiving is not for wimps (April 20) is called "A Fine Line". My last post on this blog is called "Out on a Limb". Essentially I am saying the same thing. Expressing myself from the point of view of where I am in this Journey.

I did not think these two would converge. But they have. So where do I go from here? Is this progress? My inner and outer selves coverging? Or will I recede into quite isolation and sort out my inner feelings before going on.

I am taking a much needed vacation to Florida. I leave Tuesday, April 28th. I am so excited! I'll be at the ocean, feeling the sun on my face and the sand between my toes. I won't be blogging or emailing until I get back. Back on May 4th.

We will see what happens when I get back. In the meantime, thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey. Your thoughtful words and kindness have been extremely valuable in my evolution. I am grateful to all who have travelled this fun, sometimes sad, but totally unpredictable road with me.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Out on a limb

It has taken me quite a while. Soul searching and suffering. Light and darkness. An internal tug-of-war.
And now I have come to one of those places.
Places where a lightbulb goes off.
An Ah-ha moment.

I had crawled out on a limb and very nearly fell off into nothingness.
But something pulled me back - just in the nick of time.

And then I realized that I have been giving away little pieces of my own life.

For the past 2 years, my life has been one of waiting and watching.
Two years ago, I was told Hubby did not have much time on this Earth.
So, I dropped everything to wait and watch.
I stopped working. I stopped playing.

Currents eddied around me.
Someone threw me a lifeline, but I let it sink.
Little by little my tree limb slipped. Lower and lower. It nearly snapped.
And still I waited and watched.
I almost fell.

And then the lightbulb went off. Some trigger in my brain. Or maybe a Guardian Angel took my hand.

And now I am learning to Dance in the Rain.
Instead of waiting for the Storm to pass.

I will take back my life. Not give it up to somebody else.
Even though I love my Hubby dearly. Even though my giving up my life will not make any difference in the final outcome. He will still pass through the Veil. I cannot follow. I don't want to follow. I have more life to live.
And now I know how.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Energy of a Birth...

so very long ago. Has touched my life in countless ways. The little seed planted by loving parents, took, (those 66 years ago) and blossomed into an incredible human being.

A loving, patient, gentle healer is what he became. A life fully lived. A life fully loved.

But he is at the end of his journey. And this blog is not about my hubby. It's about my inner world.

Ah, but how he influenced my inner world. His supportive and loving energy allowed me to grow; to feel proud of myself; to become a cherished grandmother.

Go gently my love. I know I have held on to you too tightly. I can feel your fatigue. Your tug-of-war inside your spirit. I need to learn to release you. It is so very difficult; it is next to impossible.... but I must.

Your energy has filled me with a caring I did not know existed. Never before has anyone lifted me up to those incredible heights.

Love never dies.
Your energy will live on.
And this is the anniversary of your Birth. So we will celebrate your Birth Energy today; not your waning body energy. Your sacred breath, not your difficult, shallow breathing of ebbing lungs.

This time on Earth will pass and once again, you will Breathe freely and easily.