Thursday, April 16, 2009

Out on a limb

It has taken me quite a while. Soul searching and suffering. Light and darkness. An internal tug-of-war.
And now I have come to one of those places.
Places where a lightbulb goes off.
An Ah-ha moment.

I had crawled out on a limb and very nearly fell off into nothingness.
But something pulled me back - just in the nick of time.

And then I realized that I have been giving away little pieces of my own life.

For the past 2 years, my life has been one of waiting and watching.
Two years ago, I was told Hubby did not have much time on this Earth.
So, I dropped everything to wait and watch.
I stopped working. I stopped playing.

Currents eddied around me.
Someone threw me a lifeline, but I let it sink.
Little by little my tree limb slipped. Lower and lower. It nearly snapped.
And still I waited and watched.
I almost fell.

And then the lightbulb went off. Some trigger in my brain. Or maybe a Guardian Angel took my hand.

And now I am learning to Dance in the Rain.
Instead of waiting for the Storm to pass.

I will take back my life. Not give it up to somebody else.
Even though I love my Hubby dearly. Even though my giving up my life will not make any difference in the final outcome. He will still pass through the Veil. I cannot follow. I don't want to follow. I have more life to live.
And now I know how.


Anonymous said...

We often find ourselves seeing and attaching ourselves to the darkness that surrounds us. But if we flip on an internal switch, we can see that within each object there is a light shining, and we can be happy and joyous for that light for which we see. And when we act friendly and lovingly in the Moment, we encourage all the other little and big lights that surround us to come out and play. The next thing we know, all we can see is light.

I am happy you found the light switch in the dark.

Deborah said...

My soul, that little spot just to the right of my heart, REJOYCED at reading this. We are living beings and are drawn to light...and dear Hubby is LIVING his life until the veil separates you. Sending you all my love.
**blows kisses** Deborah

Castles Crowns and Cottages said...

Oh dear...such beauty does come from pain and will last forever in eternity. Your reflections are beautiful and will serve others in similar situations. God bless your life and He is blessing your husband's life with your own. You have done all you can and it will NEVER be forgotten. It will be WRITTEN in the book of LIFE. Have a splendid day and dance to your heart's content when the rain comes. Anita

Sophia Rose said...

You my dear are on the right track. For as long as it took you to realize this, it will take sometime to get "you" back...Be even better version you will surely emerge. And you'll look back say, "I am better person for having gone through this"...I promise! Though it might not always feel like it.

Tammie Lee said...

How lovely that you have realized this. Life is a precious gift and it is to be lived. Perhaps at first it was good to make the choice you did, now is time for another choice. May your dance continue to unfold in a way that inspires you.

I am sorry about your husband.

Grammy said...

I have been at the end of the limb and now I am climbing the three. I am so glad you are seeing the light. It take allot of work to train your self to be happy. And what joy if felt is unbelievable. The 2 weeks I was gone were the best I have ever had. I even rubbed off on my sister in law and made her laugh every day. We had such fun. She could walk less than me and I went to the beach and saw it by my self. it was awesome.

Wendy said...

Hi all, I am totally amazed by how understanding you all are of me and my situation. This blog is written from my inner being. Sometimes it is not clear. I chose not to clarify every little thing, but to let the words flow.

But I never thought I would draw so many empathic and understanding souls.

Bless you all and thank you for being you!!

celia said...

Thank you Wendy for sharing your heart with us. Bless you and your husband. A vigil like yours can be consuming but you have such courage. The world needs the kind of light you have inside you.

Grammy said...

Hi Wendy, I love how you can paint a picture with words like you did here. I stopped my other blog as I was baring my soul letting balance in it. Both poss & neg, but I stopped when I felt fear.
I am trying to learn to pain a picture with words. Like my good by tree. Could have been the Electric company is destroying the trees. But I think I succeeded in sharing my loss in a poem. and counter acted it with fun. But balance is some thing I finally can accept. Like my thankful post this week. Turn turn turn. I call it the song of life and now try to live by it. It is hard to deal with neg. But I try not to let it bring me back to the ground. My next step is learn how to teach hubby to be positive.

Wendy said...

Hi Celia, thank you for your kind words. The world needs more people like you too!

Hi Grammy, you certainly have accomplished a lot in the short time I've known you. Your poem certainly conveyed your feelings and I quite understand about balance in life.
I hope you can help your hubby. Just being happy yourself will rub off on him.

Renee said...

What a very very hard place to be in.

Beautifully written.

Renee xoxoxo

Miss Sandra said...

Reading this touched my heart and a chord deepest within. You see, I lost my hubby over a year ago.
My life as I knew it, died with him. My spirit faltered for some time...but I am, a renewed spirit. I have accepted his passing and through acceptance, I have become stronger and more at peace within my realm.
Instead of looking and seeing his passing as a loss, I now remember him as a blessing in my life...a chapter in my book which I can always go back to and read over, and over lovingly. I look at it this way, I rather have cried and mourned his passing, than to never have known him.
To you I send warm wishes of strength, and hope. It's never easy at first, but you have the light within which will see you through. After all...the veil is thin and he'll never be too far from you.

Renee said...

Please remind me Wendy when I need you to that instead of waiting for the storm to pass we will dance in the rain.

How is all going at home?


Beth Niquette said...

Dancing in the rain brings its own special patina to our lives. Not to mention the rainbows. You can't have a rainbow without BOTH sunshine and rain.

Hang in there.